TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Certainly, confident, let us have A different location in which American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: present All people a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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